mindbending

Author Topic: General Jokes  (Read 7266 times)

Marigot

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #25 on: July 07, 2009, 03:52:24 PM »
LOL!  Loved the FBI joke!!

Here's one I thought was funny:

Two roads diverged in the middle of my life,
I heard a wise man say
I took the road less traveled by
And that's made the difference every night and every day

-Larry Norman (with apologies to Robert Frost)

Late Knight

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #26 on: July 07, 2009, 07:55:07 PM »
As Always,
L.K.

Late Knight

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Skinny Dipping...
« Reply #27 on: July 16, 2009, 11:53:12 PM »
My mom sent me this one today in e-mail. Thought I'd pass it on:

An elderly man in  Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and
peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he     
hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
 ;D

Some old men can still think fast.   
As Always,
L.K.

Late Knight

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Lawyer Joke
« Reply #28 on: September 17, 2009, 07:18:38 PM »
  A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
  conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
  their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
  advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked
  the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you
  for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
 
  "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
  them a bill."
 
  The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The
  next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared
  the bills.
 
  When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill
  from the lawyer.
As Always,
L.K.

CerebralJam

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2009, 11:52:38 AM »
 ;D  Oh I like that!
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. John W Gardner
 

Daniela4Luv

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2010, 06:15:51 PM »
MY LIVING WILL


 
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They're such a-holes ...
"I am a musical poet for every song that I sing. Lyrically speaking, that is..."

CerebralJam

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2010, 06:29:54 PM »
I love this!!! :D
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. John W Gardner
 

Daniela4Luv

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2010, 07:08:16 PM »
Funny stuff! ;0
"I am a musical poet for every song that I sing. Lyrically speaking, that is..."

Gman75

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #33 on: April 22, 2010, 03:45:19 AM »
The one about the head phones is creepy  :-\

Did you know.........

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a milli-second.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand, or attempted to do so (apart from bones).

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.  If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.  If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the U.S.  government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,  1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Gordie


"Music can change the world because it can change people"- Bono

CerebralJam

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #34 on: April 22, 2010, 09:38:12 AM »
 ;D  Nice add Gordie...

Magazine I get sent - if Tommy Cooper were alive today jokes:

I met this bloke with a digeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it - I thought, 'that's Aboriginal'...

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No permanent'.

I went in to a pet shop.  I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'  The guy said, 'Do you want an Aquarium?  I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is...'

I went to the doctor.  I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels'.  He said, 'You've got cholera'.


 ::)



Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. John W Gardner
 

CerebralJam

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #35 on: September 07, 2011, 01:44:29 PM »
Haven't looked at this magazine in ages, but always turn to readers scribes, and a new one arrived this morning:

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.  A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognisable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony.  And it's backwards, too.  Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth"  Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.  "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.  It's just Mozart decomposing."
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. John W Gardner
 

CerebralJam

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #36 on: April 26, 2014, 11:52:26 AM »
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. John W Gardner
 

CerebralJam

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Re: General Jokes
« Reply #37 on: January 29, 2016, 02:12:42 PM »
Some pretty groanworthy jokes...

9 top science jokes from Radio 4’s Jim Al-Khalili  :g

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. John W Gardner